It's no secret that modern people want to be more confident. People who have confidence tend to do better in all areas of life, from dating to work. Many see the pursuit of gaining confidence as something elusive, but it's actually much simpler than they think. Today, I'll be talking about how to obtain more confidence.

Before we dive into this, let's quickly make an important differentiation. Self-confidence is not the same as self-esteem, even though they overlap.

Self-esteem refers to whether or not you value and appreciate yourself. Self-confidence refers to how much you believe in yourself and your abilities.

Without further ado, here are two ways to obtain more confidence.

1. Become more competent

Ever notice how the most confident people are confident in specific things? Those people usually possess some sort of knowledge or skills that allow them to believe in their abilities. Regardless of which it is, you need to develop competence to have a foundation for confidence.

A few years back, I heard the saying, "Competence leads to confidence." This was one of the only good things that came out of my red pill days.

To obtain confidence, you need to be competent in a given area. Whether that be in knowledge or skills, or both, you need that competence.

When I got my little brother into weightlifting, I had been roughing it for about 3 and a half years. I didn't really know optimal ways to exercise until I was about 2 and a half years in.

So once he got into the swing of it, I was a little surprised when he would ask me a bunch of questions about exercising. I myself didn't think I know all that much, but the knowledge I had was enough to get him started comfortably. 

Understand: learning is a lifelong process. Just because you're no longer in school, doesn't mean you should stop learning. In fact, you should go the opposite direction.

The moment you stop learning, you fall behind. As a man, it is vitally important that you stay competent and keep yourself relevant.

Once you leave school, you should increase your learning. Only this time, it'll be on topics that you actually care about.

2. Embrace your desires

Far too many times do we want something, but not ask for it because we're afraid of judgment. We filter our words to avoid conflict, only to have a conflict with ourselves later on that lasts longer than we'd like it to. If you wish to be confident in yourself, you must be secure in your own desires.

Everyone has desires. Everyone wants certain things in life. However, most people don't want to sacrifice social validation for their desires.

The agenda they were conditioned with from a young age prevents them from owning up to their desires, and as a result, they bury their desires. This was the story of me when I first started learning about human nature.

I had been raised to believe that humans are striving to be pure and to rise above their carnal desires. I couldn't believe the dark, primal stuff I was learning until I hit a bump in the road.

The stuff I had been raised to believe didn't lead me to what I desired. Getting cheated on led me to question everything I knew.

The more I questioned, the more I embraced my newfound knowledge of human nature. The more I embraced this new knowledge, the more my agenda changed and the more I embraced my desires.

I'm no longer the timid Christian goody two shoes I was raised to be. I'm now able to assert myself without being passive-aggressive and life has turned around entirely.

Understand: you desire certain things for a reason. To ignore these desires is to invite disaster into your life. Rather than go against the flow, it is better to go with it.

For people like me who were raised in a strict religious environment, you are told from a young age to mold your desires to what is acceptable. At the very least, you have to present the image that you've changed.

The truth is people who suppress their desires are the most likely to rebel. The innocent mama's girl who was sheltered her whole life is more likely to date a troublemaker than the girl who had more balanced boundaries.

The reason why people struggle with their desires is because they want to have wins all around.

They want to have their desires, and they want to be accepted for their desires by everyone around them. Most people aren't willing to say no to a bad deal.

The sooner you can say no to a bad deal, the sooner you obtain the freedom to embrace what you want.

It's your life after all

Ultimately, a lack of confidence stems from the belief that you won't be accepted if you're your authentic self. This belief stems from early childhood when we were reliant on our parents to provide for us.

Rather than be resentful of what has happened, take the first steps forward to improve your life.

As a man, become competent so you only need to rely on others when you need it. As a human, embrace your desires so you drive yourself insane with misery.

It's your life, so make sure you live it the way you want to.

- Karl