In our modern day, one of the most highly praised traits people can have is selflessness. Something like donating to the poor or helping the elderly. However, it can go too far, and it certainly is going too far. For all the good you can get from an act of altruism, it can easily become self denial, and self denial destroys self esteem.

The points we'll be discussing today are:

• Spare empathy = spare change
• Self denial destroys virtue
• You are your fuel source

Self denial is where healing starts

If you are someone who struggles with self esteem, self worth, or anything along those lines then this will help you quite a bit. As somebody who denied himself for a long time, recognizing that you've been denying yourself is the first step towards healing.

Whether you're just beginning your journey or are somewhere along the path, I encourage you to read this post to the end.

Spare empathy = spare change

I can succinctly remember the last time I gave money to somebody who was homeless. It was about five years ago when I was still attending college in downtown Vancouver. There was a homeless guy sitting outside a 7-11 and I had 2$ to spare, so I gave it to him. I didn't fall on hard times from that because it was pure excess that I gave to him. So many people seem to forget about this principle when they give.

It feels good to do an act of charity. It makes us feel like we're doing something good with what we've got and it's also nice to know we're helping somebody who needs the help.

Now, obviously there's a big difference between a homeless person and somebody who can go to school without any financial problems. However, most people don't behave this way when it comes to their emotional resources.

They see something they want and have a clear path to obtain it, but then stop themselves at the last moment out of fear of creating an awkward situation. This is where self denial always begins.

Self denial destroys self esteem by making you believe that you're going to rock the boat by going after what you want. For people who grew up in a healthy manner, this is no problem. For those who didn't, they know too well what kind of hellscape it is.

It starts in early childhood: you're just being yourself when somebody "in charge" tells you to stop whatever it is you're doing. Perhaps they told you to quiet down after coming in from recess, or they told you to speak up when you're feeling to shy to speak.

Kids who grow up in a toxic environment are conditioned to always give to others first before tending to their own needs. Growing up with parents who show a lack of empathy sets up a kid for failure down the road that they can't avoid.

They end up on a path of inevitable work they could have done as a child if they had the proper environment to support it. Instead, they get suppressed in favor of becoming a validation proxy for their parents.

Much like the homeless guy I gave money to that day, these kids grow up finding themselves "down on their luck" in terms of what they want from life. They live lives where they cater what others want them to do instead of what they want.

They gave so much to others in terms of their mental resources that they're now poor in this regard. They can't keep going because they're burnt out, and the worst part is they don't realize it.

The good news is that the damage can be reversed completely. It just takes time for somebody to go from poor to rich, whether the resource is financial is mental.

Self denial destroys virtue

The amount of lessons I've received about virtues growing up in catholic education is now at least at three dozen times. We were taught how we should always aim to be virtuous because it'll help us get to heaven. While this premise sounds great and dandy, it's got a sinister undertone that can be observed if you simply change the wording.

We all want to be good people because we all want to fit in to society. Those that don't are outcast for a reason.

But we aren't those people. We actually want to be accepted by those around us, even if it's just our immediate friends and family.

It is essential that we strive to be someone greater than we were yesterday, as it is through continuous growth that we reach our potential. However, it is just as important that the growth you pursue is one that you seek.

Many suffer from a culture that perpetuates that they should aim to fit a caricature instead of be who they are. These same people then wonder why they're so miserable in life.

Self denial destroys self esteem by leading you to believe that who you are isn't good enough and that you need to become somebody else. 

Those kids who were harshly told to quiet down after coming in from recess? They're just energetic and rambunctious kids, they've done nothing wrong.

That kid who's too shy to say anything? Forcing them to speak when they don't want to won't make them more outgoing, it'll just make them clam up more.

For me, when I got those lessons in religion class telling me how to be a good Christian boy, I followed what I was told to follow because I wanted to fit in and I had the fear of hell at my back. Now that I've deconstructed, I finally found the freedom to be me and not care what others may think.

But back when I still did follow Catholicism, I wasn't doing it because I wanted to. Deep down, I knew that I didn't want to be religious.

This is why self denial destroys virtue and why people from these types of backgrounds tend to struggle quite a bit. They do the right things for the wrong reasons.

They do the right things because they want to be accepted and fit in, and not because they want to. Ideally, you do it for both of these, but these people tend to do it because of the first reason.

All too often those who deny themselves do so because they were taught it's the right thing to do in order to get the best outcomes. Whether that right thing is something to do with family or a religion, it's a terrible bear trap that the child has to find their way out of later in life.

You are your fuel source

The biggest fear I had when I began my deconstruction was what the right way to live was. All my life, I had been told that Jesus was the way and without him I'd be lost. Turns out that it was completely overblown. They advertised the path as having no gas stations along the way, but it turns out that there are so many.

By far the thing that cripples self deniers the most is being told that if they break off from the vine they will wither. This is something they're told from a young age.

Whether it's the message of salvation from a religion or a narcissist convincing their loved ones to stay in the abuse, the damage is still damning. 

They're told that if they don't keep following the path that's been prescribed for them so far, they will fall off and their life will be ruined. They convince them that tolerating the slow wifi is better than having no wifi for an hour if it means it gets faster after that.

Self denial destroys self esteem by convincing you that you can never leave or you'll just end up hurting yourself. This is especially evident in religion.

You have Jesus in the bible calling himself the way, and that those who deny him will go to hell for eternity. They are punished for exercising free will and autonomy.

Same thing with narcissists. They convince you that the way you're living with them is perfectly fine and it's the best bet you've got at life.

What many don't realize is that these are both examples of complete bullshit. Both are overblowing the consequences of choosing to leave so they can fearmonger people into staying.

These people have never known the power of following your own convictions and values. They've never known the freedom of being themselves through and through because they've always had to repress it.

These people run on fear as fuel instead of their own desires and passions. They then wonder why they sometimes feel dead and burnt out.

In order for somebody to keep themselves wholly sustained, they need to be running on their own tracks instead of the path laid out by somebody else. If they're path happens to coincide with one that's already there, all the power to them.

The point here is that if you're running on fear as your fuel, you're going to run out eventually. The people who put you into those situations, telling you that you'll run out of fuel if you leave, are actually warning you what will happen if you choose to stay over being true to yourself.

Self denial is a true modern pandemic

In this modern day, self denial is one of the leading causes of mental health issues. So many people are taught to fit into the mold that their elders have set for them and to be happy with it.

When people don't have the freedom to express themselves, they will burn out and wonder why. After all, they're doing what they were told is the right way to live.

The reality is there's no one right way to live. How you live will ultimately depend on your values and what you want in life. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

- Karl